Unsignificant Thoughts

Tears have already dried up. Silence invaded all around me. I sat on the bed, in the darkness. My mind whirling into blankness and confusion. Still recovering from astonshing facts that shoke my mind, trying hard to take it. It was then I wondered what's best for me.

I always thought that I knew alot of life aspects. I thought that I knew everything to lead life the best way it should be. However, I've realised that everything so different now. Those so called life aspects are simply thoughts resulting of from self-delusion.

I pondered about everything. I thought about the argument I had with my brother. I thought about how I got to know Christ. I thought about the reason why I'm brought into this world. Why must I go through all these things? Why must these things come into my life when I thought that I am living life in perfection and changing for the better? Why?

I pondered about all these things for a long time. My mind was in complete confusion and I couldn't thought about how these things could happen in my life. I thought it was unfair. I thought I'm doing it for nothing. I even have the idea of giving up my faith. I just couldn't get an answer to all my questions. For now, it just show how wrong I can be.

I realised I was completely living in a world of my own. I didn't cared much about other people. Even my brother. I thought that he was always lecturing me for the sake of doing so. Or perhaps showing his authority, looking down on me. I thought that my relationship with Christ is so weak that I am going to give up on my faith, as I always thought that it was easier being the bad guy. I thought that Christ had abandoned me and given up on me, such a insginificant being. I thought I was all alone. I thought that people wouldn't care about me.

All these thoughts came into me because of a arguement. An arguement yet because of another small little thing. My LDC II Camp is tommorow yet from the start I never thought of going. In fact, I have been missing BB for quite a long period of time. Concidentally, it clashes with the Children's camp in church. I was pondering hard of deciding which to go. I chose to go to help in the Children's camp as I thought it would be a excellent opportunity for me to improve the relationship with the youths, so that I would be good friends with them and learn their examples of displaying christian character. Still, I did not tell the leaders that I wil be going as I have not decided of which to go yet. Deep down in me, I wanted to help in the children's camp. It was then my brother confronted me to go to the LDC camp. I lost my temper almost instaneously. I thought why was my brother so stubborn and kept on forcing me to do things his way. He then talk sense into me and I went to lock myself in the room, thinking of the things he had said.

It is then I realised how wrong I am. I am living in a world of my own and I can't deny the facts. I have very little friends since young. My attitude towards friends were just secondary and all I could think is always myself. My friends are of very little importance to me. Moreover, I didn't get along well with them thus I gave up the idea of salvaging those broken friendships.

I have since realised how wrong I am and how bad my attitude is. What my brother said was absolutely right. I AM LIVING IN A WORLD OF MY OWN. BEING SO SELFISH, I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED ABOUT HOW OTHERS FEEL. And yet I keep wondering what I did to annoy my friends so much that they kept avoiding me. I kept on wondering what is their problem yet it lies with myself. I am too self centred. I have to change. Some of them were even kind enough to ask me to change my attitude and they can't stand me. I was annoyed by thier bluntness and shoo them off, one by one. I am afraid that people will get hold of my fears and my weakness to mock at me. Yet I must understand that everyone have their shortcomings and one will have to learn to get over them so as to move onward with life. I've realised this is what life is about. You can't be a loner. You have to learn to communicate with others and improve the social relationship with them. I've tried all these yet I give up too easily. I'm discouraged by the smallest action they did to me yet I think I've been 100 times irritating to them. I laughed at people's stupidity, without realising my own ignorance.

I have to get over all these. I have to start afresh. I have to repent to go back to God. I have to make massive changes to my usual lifestyle so as to be transformed.

I've learned something valuable. I have to learn to put down my pride. All changes have to be accompanied by my own actions and determination. I always blame others and the last person I will find fault with is myself. I would have to stop deluding myself and learn to accept the facts which I have upon. I'll have to listen to others, as our own feelings can be so deluding. Indeed, I now see God's plan for me. He arranged all these to happen in my life so that I can learn from it. Praise the Lord !

His plan for you is flawless and perfect. If you can't see his plan, trust his heart.